Like Honey Bunches of Oats. Full of shit, lots of it, but good yummy shit that makes your stomach do flips for the delicious stuff. However life is not offering me delicious shit right now.

So recently my father went back to the hospital. He had his bypass surgery so he's fine now but apparently I might end up the same. And it's odd because he's the healthiest person I know. SO SKINNY. He weighs 2 more pounds than me. Bad? Ya. I'm a fatty now. 160 pounds. Hoshit. So I was freaking out over that for a while until he got out. He's home now, hobbling around slowly in his jammies. I love him dearly, and I guess I understand where he's coming from. A couple days out of the hospital, I guess because of his near-death experience, he freaked out. He said some hurtful things about me that I overheard. Things I debated running away for, but it wouldn't be running away because I'm freakin' 19. It'd be more like leaving and moving out to be homeless or to bum off a friend. But back to the story, I was hurt, I felt worthless, I wanted to die, I didn't want to be seen, and I didn't want to see them. So I left... For a couple hours. I realized I can't bum off friends without so much guilt I'd leave and that I wouldn't survive as a homeless chick. Just doesn't work that way. Although he apologized, I still feel terrible.

Continuing after that I went psycho on someone, Psycho bitch. The psycho was unintentional, and the bitch was supposed to be toned down to an 'almost-bitch' level. I freaked out some girl who was supposively hitting on Alex, my new boyfriend, she told some of his family, and they were upset. I found out, I was mortified and upset. I still am although it was cleared up. I still think his family thinks I'm psycho bitch now. He says they kind of don't. All in all with this story, love makes me crazy AND I do crazy things because of it. Love grabs my emotions by the horns, lifts them, and throws them in whatever direction it pleases. So I've learned I need to cool it. I'm freaking out and he's freaking out. I need to step back and breathe. Just relax... Cool it.

So I've been crying and it hasn't been helping even though it usually does. I'm just not forgetting fast enough. What also doesn't help is that when I came into my baking class I was excited, energetic, overly friendly, and absolutely nuts. Now I keep my head low, my mouth shut, and I stay focused. Everyone knows something's wrong and they know it's not me being tired. So they ask. And asking, 'What's wrong,' is the last thing you want to do when I'm upset because I cry. I've been working hard to just smile and bear it, but I can't wait for everything to get back to normal. I miss smiling and meaning it.

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